the 2009 george mcfly awards

It’s time for the annual George McFly Awards! Time to get out your best formal gown, make sure the double-sided tape is doing its job, and get ready for show — And this year, we’re celebrating the 20th edition.

For those not familiar with the George McFly Awards, they started back in 1989 as my sister and I picked the biggest loser of the year. That year, my friend’s father unceremoniously won. In fact, he would go on to win two more times, before being replaced by the father of one of my sister’s friends.

Since then past winners have included Osama bin Laden, Ashlee Simpson and last year, Levi Johnston.

And yes, the awards are named after the dad from Back to the Future — who prior to a certain time travel experiment, was hardly in the running for father of the year.

Who will be this year’s winner?

Here are the contenders…

Jon Gosselin: Remember the days when you could turn on the TV and not see a story about this douche-bag? Ah yes, those were the days. When real celebrities did real things that were worth reporting about? Well, gone are those days, kiddo! For some reason, this ass-hat gets attention because he fathered eight kids. And he was on TV. And… well, I don’t know why else. Which makes him a perfect candidate for the George McFly Award.

Levi Johnston: As my friend’s dad proved, you can win the award more than once, and nobody really deserves it more than the Alaskan Redneck who was thrust into the spotlight because the Republican party picked Sarah Palin as a running mate for McCain. Oh, and because he stuck it to her daughter. Now this loser won’t go away and for some reason, TV shows keep giving him air time. What’s up with that?

Sarah Palin: Still in the news… because she quit her job as governor of Alaska and wrote a book. (Insert joke about her knowing how to read being a surprise, here.) The trigger happy hockey mom should have had the good taste to fade away by now, maybe to regroup and fix her image, but she keeps popping up. I guess the GOP doesn’t have any one else to push.  And some how I think the words “good taste” and “Sarah Palin” aren’t something you hear in the same sentence very often. Still, aren’t we due for something new?

Dr. Arnold Klein: This media whore doctor who may or may not actually be the father of Michael Jackson’s kids, could never turn down an interview, so as long as I show up with a camera and a microphone, I’m sure he’ll publicly accept the George McFly award. Of all the people who are benefiting from the death of the King of Pop, nobody seems to be enjoying their fifteen minutes of fame more than this ass-clown. I’m sure you can expect more books about and from him and every time something new is uncovered about the sad life of Jacko, Dr. Duumbass will be there to field any questions.

But in true George McFly Award fashion, I couldn’t give the award to just any open-mouth breather. No. For the very special 20th anniversary, I had to find a special winner.

And this year’s winner is… YOU

That’s right. You. The people of the world. Now before you rush up on stage to collect your award, double-check the card and make sure you really are the winner. After all, not everyone who reads this deserves the award.

The real “YOU” behind this year’s winner are the open mouth breathers, the knuckle-draggers and the bottom feeders. The people who keep reality shows, pre-determined karaoke fests and dancing shows on the air. The people who watch Entertainment Tonight or TMZ continuously lower the bar while reporting on what some ass wipe named “Gosselin” is doing with their time.

Yes, this year’s winners are the people who help lower North American standards day in and day out. The people who mindlessly watch some show where D-List celebrities dance — then call their friends to talk about the show. The people who bother to remember the names of the contestants on whatever season of Idol we’re up to, so that they can talk about how unfair it was someone gave them a bad review.

The people who don’t bother to stop for one second and think that just three years ago, nobody knew or gave two craps about Jon and Kate and their eight ugly kids — yet now, they can’t look away when some skinny talking head comes on eTalk and tells you there are new rumors about their divorce.

The people who would rather watch some reality show (they have writers, you know that, right?) instead of reading a book. And why? Because it’s just easier that way.

The George McFly award winner this year is the person who can’t be bothered to stop for a second and think about what they are missing in their life, because they find reality shows interesting. (Seriously.  How unhappy are these people?)

Sure, it would be easy to blame the shows themselves or the producers or the stars — the fact we call them stars is insulting to anyone who bothered to study acting — but really, the only people we have to blame for the over indulgence of mediocrity on TV these days is… YOU.

The people who actually watch that shit.

You keep watching it, so they keep feeding it to you.

After all, it was Obi Wan Kanobi who said “Who is more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows?”

So if after all that, if you think it’s you who deserves this award, then congratulations. You have contributed to dumbing down our species. The award will be in the mail. Oh, and maybe you should consider changing your life.

If you read this and didn’t see any resemblance to your habits, then you are a true winner. Go on and keep doing good things such as having intelligent conversations, reading books, making real friends and making a difference.


One comment

  1. What’s sad is that much of this swill that you listed gets reported as NEWS. A network affiliate will broadcast news that states, “Last night on ‘American Idol’, Simon insulted somebody….” My country is involved in a costly war that we cannot afford to lose, while a lot of armchair debaters don’t have the resolve to win–yet the person who wins “American Idol” is a newsworthy hero? This makes me consider living abroad as an expat!

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