Zoey vs. The Internet Monster

It’s never a slow day in my life.

Phone Message: Hi. This is your internet company. We suck. And now we’re charging you for all the months we didn’t charge you before. You owe us big time.

Zoey: Screw you.

Of course, since nobody was around to hear that, it was totally lost and I had to call them back.

Zoey: You called me?

Internet Company.: Yes. Pay us. Pay us now.

Zoey: You never sent me a bill.

Internet Co.: Oh. I see. Pay us anyway.

Zoey: Send me a bill.

Internet Co.: Um… We don’t do that. We bill “on-line”.

Zoey: What?

Internet Co: We send you a bill on line and you check it on line and then you pay us.

Zoey: On line?

Internet Co: No. We want real money.

Zoey: So do I.

Internet Co: When can we expect a payment.

Zoey: When I see how much I owe you.

Internet Co: $189.97

Zoey: I can’t see that. You only just told me how much I owe you.

Internet Co: Go on line and see for yourself.

Zoey: {Going on line and checking where bill is supposed to be. Seeing there is nothing there. Doing a happy dance and laughing at the internet company under breath} Um, can’t see anything here.

Internet Co: Oh. Looks like you’re right. Pay us anyway.

Zoey: No.

Internet Co: Please

Zoey: No.

Internet Co: Pretty please with sugar on top.

Zoey: No

Internet Co: … and a cherry?

Zoey: Maybe.

Internet Co: How about this? Pay us or we’ll cut you off.

Zoey: If you cut me off, then how will I be able to go on line and see how much I owe you?

Internet Co: We’ll have to send you a bill then.

Zoey: Oh for the love of… Listen. You never billed my credit card, never phoned me before, never sent me an email telling me how I can grow a large penis and/or pay off my mortgage and that I owe you money. You can’t honestly expect me to pay you if this is the first time I hear about it?

Internet Co: Umm….

Zoey: Well?

Internet Co: Maybe we can credit your account for our mistake since we never actually sent you a bill on line.

Zoey: Good

Internet Co: You go to hell. You go to hell and you die! We hate it when people are smarter than us and we end up looking like assholes. Now we’re going to have to find a way to make your life hard. Ha! Nevermind. Turns out you use MSN for your graphics on your site. Looks like you’re already getting screwed. Pffffft. Thank you for choosing our internet company.

Okay, so maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but either way, I won. So if nothing else, at least something got done today. Zoey: 1… Internet Co: 0 Now I have to take back the latte mugs I paid too much for, drop off my blouses at the dry cleaners, iron my skirt for an up-coming Christmas party and I guess check on line for any possible bills or money I might owe.


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